Self-Compassion For When We Screw Up

Earlier this week, I left a friend and fellow mother without support during a difficult moment at the playground. I had felt awkward, and old fears had been triggered about “getting in the way” and taking up space. So instead of moving closer to the situation, I backed away; I asked if help was needed rather than just helping, and with relief took a “no” at face value, and said goodbye.

Nothing felt good about this. It has been important to me to live in a way that values presence over absence, even when it’s uncomfortable. Also to give support concretely, and without waiting for the one in need to bear the additional burden of asking. On this day, I fell short of my values, and it hurt.

When I got home, I felt the pain of it. I felt the old tug of shame and self-criticism (how could you just leave, what’s wrong with you?), and the dangling bait of defensiveness and blame (she SAID she didn’t need any help). But a different voice was there too.

It was a compassionate voice that saw that everyone in this situation was hurting - my friend, me, the kids. And one that realized with sudden clarity - oh, this is what people do. It’s not a me thing. It’s a human thing. We make mistakes. We are never going to get it right all the time. The choice is how we respond when that happens. 

My hand instinctively went to my heart - a practice of supportive touch that I'd learned awkwardly years ago, in my first exposure to self-compassion; now, a constant resource, an ally, that accompanies me when times get tough. I felt the caring pressure of my palm on my chest, the rhythm of my beating heart. I closed my eyes, and took a breath.

Then, I picked up the phone, and apologized - the same day, with care and intention, and with genuine expression of how I wish I had acted and what got in the way. I'm so sorry I left you. I felt uncomfortable, and old habits of avoiding discomfort got in the way. I wish I had...

Doubts arose (Is this really needed? Am I making this about me?), trying to get me to stop typing and to relieve the discomfort of my honesty, but I followed my compass. Show up, don’t back up.

In the silence that followed pressing "send," I noticed that the shame, the blame, the self-criticism, had all vanished. I had now acted in a way that felt aligned with who I want to be in my relationships, and my mind didn’t need to run it over and over again anymore. Later, my friend responded simply, “Thank you for apologizing.” I felt a quick “ouch” (yes, I did screw up), which gave way to immense appreciation of her direct response. It also felt satisfying. Yes, this time I had a pulse on what was needed, and I moved in that direction, even though it was uncomfortable.

There have been times since beginning self-compassion practice that I wonder - what’s this all for anyway? Has it really done anything? Again, those old tapes of self-doubt and perfectionism show up, along with that very human yearning to have life be free from pain - expecting, perhaps, that things should always feel easy and balanced if this practice was really “working.”

And then I have a moment like this, when I realize that new train tracks have in fact been laid. My brain, my entire nervous system, has learned a different, compassionate way of responding to my own pain and discomfort. The well-worn tracks of old patterns and beliefs are still there, but these new tracks - literally, new neural pathways - become stronger and more accessible every time I practice, moment after moment, day after day, year after year.

Later that night, the research findings popped unexpectedly into my head (a not-always-welcome consequence of writing a dissertation on the subject): self-compassionate people take greater accountability for their actions, apologize more quickly, and aren’t as derailed by making mistakes.

Ten years ago, these were just data of other people’s lives. I spent countless hours immersed in them, but they felt so far away. Today, I saw myself, saw the slow and constant process of change, and felt a kinship with all of us who are exploring - for decades, or for the first time - this practice of showing up to our lives with more compassion.

So, is this self-compassion stuff even doing anything? And what’s it all for? For me, today, it’s this:

That I can be more fully present for myself and my relationships; take greater responsibility for my actions without fear, shame, or blame leading the way; and be closer to my values, to living in the way that matters to me in this sweet and fleeting time we have together on this planet. This, to me, is everything.

Curious how self-compassion might serve you and your life?

We invite you to join our virtual Mindful Self-Compassion group, which is currently accepting new members. In this group, you’ll learn practical ways to bring self-compassion into the busy reality of your daily life, and discover how approaching yourself kindly can benefit you, as well as your relationships. Most importantly, you’ll be in good company – with others just like you who are courageously learning to grapple with the messy complexities of being human, with presence, connection, and care.