In the face of our most painful losses, it’s normal to experience many different reactions—in our body, thoughts, emotions, and spirit. As a whole, much of what we experience goes beyond words. To help us feel more anchored in the storms of loss, grief models attempt to give context to these experiences and language for common themes.
Models can’t tell us what we will experience, nor can they prescribe what we “should” feel, but they can help us better understand ourselves and others.
Worden’s Task Model of Grief
The grief model I find most helpful was developed by researcher and psychologist Dr. J. William Worden. The centerpiece of his theory is a description of four “tasks” that are commonly part of the mourning process. The task model, as it’s also called, is rooted in robust research and is often adaptable to a wide range of losses in a variety of cultural contexts. It is also a model that focuses on how we can actively engage our unique grief process in fruitful ways.
These are the four tasks:
Task One: Coming to terms with the reality of the loss
Task Two: Processing the pain of grief
Task Three: Adjusting to a world without the person we’ve lost
Task Four: Establishing an enduring connection as you move forward on your life journey
In upcoming posts, I will share more about each task and how they can help you in your grief journey. But first, here are four of the most important ideas from Worden’s research that we can all benefit from.
Key One: Mourning is a natural and important process.
Sometimes grief can feel like it controls us. Sometimes it feels like an enemy we have to fight. Sometimes it feels like a dangerous fog, or a pit of quicksand we can’t escape. Worden’s model offers a different picture; a picture in which our grief feelings, questions, and experiences are part of a natural mourning process that our body and mind need to go through. Mourning is a natural and important process with a shape and a purpose—one that we can give ourselves permission to embrace.
With this in mind, learning about the tasks of grief can inspire us to think about ways we might want to work with our grief (instead of against it) in order to heal and grow.
Key Two: Understand the shape of your grief.
Every loss is unique. If you are grieving the death of a loved one, your grief process has a shape that is unique to you, the person who has died, and the context of their death. The unique features of your situation will shape the reactions you have and the intensity of your various feelings. It is normal to feel multiple feelings (even seemingly contradictory feelings) all at once. It is also normal to feel differently than you would have expected yourself to feel. The unique features of your loss can often help make sense of these unexpected or confusing responses.
The shape of your grief also includes what researchers call “secondary losses.” Secondary losses are the ripple effects of the central bereavement that cause other loss. For example, the death of a loved one might lead to changes in other relationships or living situations; lost hopes or dreams; struggles related to financial security; challenges to your belief system; grief as you witness the suffering of other friends or family members impacted by the loss, etc.
It can be helpful to think about the things that make up the unique shape of your particular grief.
Working with large groups of mourners, Worden identified different factors (or “mediators of mourning”) that impact the shape of a person’s grief journey. Looking over Worden’s list can be a springboard for personal reflection and understanding. This kind of reflection can help us understand what we feel. It can also make intense emotions feel a bit more manageable and make it easier for us to share our pain with others.
If that interests you, check out my blog on exercises for reflecting on the shape of your grief.
Key Three: Embrace the unstructured flow of the grief process.
It can be tempting to think of mourning as a series of steps we go through in a clear ordered way. If you’ve heard of the “stages of grief” you have probably also heard people talk about it that way. But what the research actually shows (and what we can all probably recognize in our real-life experiences!) is that the flow of grief is not predictable and orderly.
As with other models out there (like Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief) Worden’s four tasks do not necessarily unfold in a linear way. We may be working through more than one task at the same time or in a different order than someone else. We may return multiple times to the same tasks as we grow and change. Some stages might feel more important or more difficult than others; some might not be part of our experience at all. Everyone and every relationship is different—so too are our losses and how we grieve them.
Remembering this can help us be gentle with ourselves and our mourning.
Key Four: Learn to ride the waves of your grief.
Approaching our process with acceptance and compassion tends to be far more helpful and healing than comparing ourselves critically to unrealistic expectations about what, when, and how we should feel. Grief reactions come in waves. Like we said in the section above, these waves can sometimes catch us off guard and bowl us over.
We can learn to ride those waves. This starts with noticing when you are hit by a strong wave of emotion or change in energy. So pay attention to those moments, for example: suddenly losing your breath in response to a memory, struggling not to cry in public, confusion and shame about why you aren’t crying when you think you should, immobilizing guilt, fear when you wonder why you still aren’t feeling better, feeling bad for laughing and having fun, feeling rage at people who are just trying to help, etc.
After noticing that we are feeling caught in a wave of feeling, the next step is accepting that what you feel is what you feel. Then, instead of trying to resist what you are feeling, being kind to yourself in the midst of it. For example, on a day when you are struggling to get out of bed, you might be tempted to try to hide or change how you feel by sheer willpower. Or maybe the strong wave of exhaustion is making you feel panicky and self-critical. Instead of beating yourself up, you might remind yourself that all these reactions are normal: You are going to feel all sorts of different things, it’s okay to let this be for now. It is by moving through the grief that we heal.
Other Resources
The content of this blog is drawn primarily from the fifth edition of Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner by J. William Worden, published in 2018. The task model was first introduced in 1976, but the theory has evolved significantly over time. These blogs are based on the most current edition and on the ways I have personally internalized and integrated these concepts into my personal and professional approach.
One of the websites I generally quite like is called What’s Your Grief. It is an accessible website for information and support related to grief and bereavement. It does a good job balancing the message “You can get through this, you aren’t alone,” with, “This is legitimately a big deal and really hard.” Here are some links to articles they’ve done on the symptoms of grief… and just how wide ranging our reactions can be!
Normal Grief vs Not-So-Normal Grief
More Help
Therapy support can be another helpful resource. Group and individual therapy can be a powerful place to process overwhelming feelings and receive understanding, encouragement, and support. If you are interested in connecting with others as you continue to process your loss, consider joining our grief therapy group or doing a few sessions of individual grief therapy. For counseling support in North County San Diego, I would love to help you get connected.
Dr. Lindsey G. Robertson is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY30459) who practices in Carlsbad, CA. She provides individual, couples, and group therapy, and specializes in walking with client’s through grief and loss, identity development, ADHD, and healing from interpersonal and family of origin trauma.
Dr. Robertson is now accepting new clients locally in her Carlsbad office. She also offers video conferencing psychotherapy to people living in California or outside the US.