Sometime in your grieving process, you may find it helpful to think about the things that make up the unique shape of your grief. The concept of “secondary losses” and Worden’s list of “mediators of mourning” are powerful places to start.
Secondary Losses
What secondary losses have been part of your grief?
Secondary losses are the subsequent changes or losses set in motion by the death of your person. These losses range from minor and temporary to life-altering and permanent. They may all add to the ache, stress, and challenges of grief.
If this sounds relevant and intriguing to you, consider sketching out a visual map of your secondary losses. Visually writing things out can help you understand and validate the shape of your grief. Below is one way to approach this activity.
Making a Map of Secondary Losses
Sit down with your favorite writing tools. At the top or center of your writing surface, write down your primary loss. For example: “My sister’s death.”
Then start thinking about the most significant changes you’ve experienced since that primary loss. For example: “Becoming primary caregiver for my aging father,” “My mother’s depression,” “Sister’s partner and children moved out of state.”
Following each of those changes, start listing the costs or impact of each. For example, under “Becoming Dad’s primary caregiver” you might write: “Working fewer hours at work to be home with dad,” “Less income,” “More time with Dad,” or “Less time to spend with personal friends.”
Note: Include any impact or change, whether it feels negative, positive, or neutral. All of it is part of your grief journey.
Prepare to conclude by making some notes about the things that are helping you most in this season. For example, “Not beating myself up for eating less than normal,” “Listening to my favorite music,” “Crying,” “Setting alarms on my phone to help me remember things,” “Talking to people who have also lost siblings,” “Talking to my boss about reassigning work projects,” “Writing or talking to my sister,” “Asking friends to go with me to important meetings.” These can be good reminders of how you are enduring what may seem unendurable.
Conclude by stepping back and looking at the map you’ve drawn up. What do you notice first? Does anything surprise you? Does what you are seeing match how you are feeling?
Worden’s Mediators of Mourning
What was the context of your loss?
In working with a large number of mourners over the course of decades, psychologist Dr. J. William Worden identified a list of context factors that impact how we grieve. Worden’s list of factors—he calls them “mediators of mourning”—can be a great springboard for personal reflection and understanding.
Read through the list below. After each mediator there are reflection questions to help define and apply that mediator. As you read, think of a specific loss; note which questions you find most relevant to your experience of that loss.
Mediators of Mourning
Kinship: Who died and who was that person to you? What roles did they play in your life? What was unique about that role and that relationship? How did they impact your sense of identity?
The nature of your bond: How close were you to this person? How dependent were you on this person? How dependent were they on you? What parts of your life are different because of their absence? How emotionally secure was the relationship? What was the state of the relationship before they died?
How your person died: Were you close by or far away? Was it unexpected or anticipated? Are you facing multiple deaths at once? Was there violence or trauma? Was the death preventable? Was there anything unknown or mysterious about the death? Was the cause of death something that is socially stigmatized or minimized?
Your personal history: It is common for new losses to trigger pain from old losses—even losses we thought we had made peace with. What losses have you faced in the past? How did you experience those losses and how did you cope?
Your identity and personality: Your age, gender, coping style, values, beliefs, and culture can impact how you express and cope with emotion. So do your personality traits. What is your emotional coping style? What are your strengths and fears? What do you believe about the world, death, and the afterlife?
Social context: What do your family members and primary cultural group think and believe about death and dying? What rituals and expectations are a part of the grieving process for your primary community? Are you connected to multiple cultural communities with different approaches?
Social support: How supported do you feel? Who are you connecting with, and in what ways? What messages are you getting about grief from others? Do these messages fit or conflict with each other? Do they fit with your own experiences and attitudes? How do people react to you in the wake of your loss?
Situational stress. What else is going on in your life right now? Are you in a season of transition? Are you facing other changes, losses or challenges? Are you experiencing positive life events, successes, or joys? How much chronic stress do you face in your daily life? What strengths and resources to you feel able to comfortably access? What are the challenges being experienced by the communities you are a part of?
Another benefit of this kind of reflection is that it helps us put words to the specific nature of your pain. It can be challenging to find words or images that capture what we feel. Yet, words can help us tolerate and work through intense emotion. Words also help us share what we are going through with others. This can help us feel less alone.
More Support
Group or individual therapy can be a powerful place to process overwhelming feelings and receive understanding, encouragement, and support. If you are interested in connecting with others and receiving help as you continue to process your loss, consider joining a grief therapy group or doing a few sessions of individual grief therapy. If you are interested in counseling support in the Encinitas or Carlsbad area, I would love to help you get connected.
Dr. Robertson is now accepting new clients locally in her Carlsbad office. She also offers video conferencing psychotherapy to people living in California or outside the US.
